Two colds at once

This darling Brad Pitt look-alike has got Grandma all worried. He isn't wearing enough clothes for such a storm.

It got me to thinking: If I have a cold and my friend has a different strain of cold is it possible that one of us could infect the other and have TWO COLDS AT ONCE??! What if a third person came along with a different strain could you have THREE COLDS? Four, Five, Six, Ten? Have they tried this on monkeys?

I've been asking this of all my friends lately (everyone is sick from all different places lately) and everyone says no. They're not sure why but something something about cannot have two cold viruses blah blah.

But they're wrong!! According to the truth-machine Google, you CAN get two colds at once.

Only one result for "three colds at once."

Here's a great Esquire article about it.

Zoot Suit Riot

My angel grandchildren,

Whoever said clothes do not make the man did not own a pair of pinstripe suits. I am enamored and also intimidated by this young man's retro gangster-look. Is he really a gangster or just posing as one? Either way, mystery is very alluring.

He looks like a black Al Capone right down to the white hat and cigar. Back in the 30's they called this a zoot suit. I was a gun moll back in the day but don't tell your parents, dears. They have a very large stick up their rectums and it's just too late to get it out.

I love you all very muh,
Grandma

James Dean 2.0

My sweetest grandchildren,

Some of you kids don't like Grandma to talk about certain things. Well, don't be such prudes! 'Cause I say lordy, lordy, lord. I say hallelujah & praise Jesus. This is some grade-A piece of man meat.

Yes man-meat, I said it. I lived through the sexual revolution dearies. But don't think I needed it! There was a time when the only man who unhooked my sister Edna's brassiere was the good Dr. Wilkens. It wasn't proper otherwise! Grandma was way ahead of her time cause while the only action Edna was getting was from the the old doctor, I was blowing James Dean in the back of his Porsche. My poor Jimmy. What a fiery mess!

This young stud reminds me of him. The tousled blondish hair, brooding eyes; loose posture, and cigarette in hand. He'll look absolutely darling in my powermatic adjustable bed.

I love you all very much,
Grandma

Commies do the Polka

My sweet grandchildren,

The Polka is an old Russian dance you know. What that has to do with Polka Dots I'll never tell because I have no freaking clue.

Polka dots are cute when they're small but the dots on this girl are so large we could all play Twister.

And good heavens, whoever told these girls that it was okay to dress up like it was the 1950's again needs a good spanking on their bottom.

The 50's are best remembered for the Cold War, racial tension, and social conservatism. Only a nitwit would want to re-vive it. If Grandma sees any of you in such attire you'll not get your $5 for your birthday this year.

I love you all very much,
Grandma

Kate Moss is a Roman Gladiator

My darling grandchildren,

Looksy what I found! A supermodel!! Grandma’s no paparazzi. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time to photograph the darling Kate Moss. She looks like a deary, doesn’t she? I'd like to bake her some pies.

In any case, my sweet progeny, this week’s picture is quite lovely but there is one thing that Grandma doesn’t understand. What, pray tell me, is the mademoiselle wearing on her feet? What the flipping fuck?? Are those Gladiator sandals?

The poor child must’ve watched the Gladiator film and decided to copy their silly footwear. Nothing against Russell Crowe or Joaquin Phoenix, They’re no Frank Sinatra but they’re fine fellows. Quite the gentlemen, in fact.

Now if only I’d noticed the model’s shoes when I was photographing her I’d have told her right away,

“You cannot do the Charleston in those my deary! It’s just not proper!”

Oh goodness! Grandma feels dizzy and has got to sit down. Just thinking about those dreadful shoes has got my ankles all swollen. Oh kids. You are all so young and impressionable. Call me right away or I’ll have to call your friends again to find you.

I love you all very much,
Grandma

Flapper Girl in Bryant Park

My precious grandchildren,

Oh dear heavens! You wouldn’t believe it but I think I had a flashback to the 1920’s today. I’d been out photographing as usual and came across a young lady with a flapper-era hairdo when I had an out-of-body experience.

Now don’t get the wrong idea about my “flashback,” my angels. Grandma never did “drop the acid,” as the kids called it in the 1960’s. (I did follow the Grateful Dead around for a summer but that’s a story for another day, my darlings.)

What was I saying? Oh yes! My flashback was not caused by the LSD. Although, you know, Timothy Leary was a dear friend and a sometimes lover. But it’s like I always said to him,

“Timmy, my muffinpuff. Why would I want to eat pieces of paper covered with chemicals when I’ve got perfectly good psychedelic mushrooms in my garden?”

So as I was saying before you interrupted me again was that this was not a Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas sort of flashback. When I saw the young woman with her lovely updo looking like she came straight from the film version of The Great Gatsby with Robert Redford (dreamboat!) and Mia Farrow, I was suddenly transported back in time. I found myself drinking moonshine in the speakeasies with Louis Armstrong all over again. Lord, I tell you, it was something! We used to shimmy like it was 1925 and dance to the Ragtime like it was going of style. (It was both, you see.)

I love you all very much,
Grandma

Dress made from a curtain

My dear grandchildren

When Scarlett O'Hara made a dress from a curtain she did a fantastic job. Her gorgeous curtain dress was made out of 16 yards of green Italian cotton velveteen!

This bitch I photographed stole my curtains from the 1970's. I had packed them away in my garage and somehow his rascal got in and stole them to make this horrid outfit. Some of the young ladies on the Lower East Side are like rats. Rats who gnaw through old women's storage in search of "retro" clothes.

I said to her: "Bitch, you stole my curtains." She claimed ignorance; said she'd bought it at a vintage clothing store. "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining!" I told her. "I KNOW IT'S NOT RAINING!! I CHECKED THE WEATHER FORECAST!" Then I poured mocha on her lap.

Don't Fuck with Grandma's Curtains, You Cretins. I may be old, but I'm not senile.

I love you all very much,
Grandma